There was a long-expected letter sitting among the pile of supermarket leaflets (can’t believe how is this still so popular in Denmark). It was from a clinic confirming the date of the doctor’s appointment for my daughter. A regular letter, but with one, a big difference from any other communication. The letter was addressed to her. She was two years old.
In the past, living in other countries, I would have always been the receiver of any formal correspondence. But there, for the first time, it said ‘Olivia’ on the envelope.
For me, coming from a country where you hear all your life ‘children and fish have no voice’ was a mind-blowing approach. Recognizing a child as an individual, as a separate being, not a ‘property’ of the parents is by far not a common approach across the world. When I was a kid and went to a doctor, no one ever asked me a question. Only my mother talked. She was telling them where it hurts me and how much.
The first time I went to a doctor myself as a teenager I sat on the chair and I was literally speechless. I did not know what to say. It was a really awkward situation and I think I finished saying not even half of what I intended, I was so out of my comfort zone, I just wanted to leave as soon as possible.
Recently I saw a big debate that my friend, Ewa Samek has started on social media by posting a comment on a page of a Czech newspaper about the harmfulness of spanking kids. It opened up a can of worms with people attacking her and defending “small spanking that has not done anyone any harm”.
At the bottom of such beliefs lays the conviction that the parent’s role is less about being a life guide and a caretaker, it is more based on almost a feudal relationship of power: you do what I say, or here comes the punishment. Such parents focus on setting up the rules and making choices for kids rather than hearing them out and addressing their needs. When kids fight back, they are labeled ‘difficult’ and punished over and over again to eliminate the unwanted behavior.
What I loved about the Danish school system is the empathy class – in nursery children would regularly discuss feelings – in a way adjusted to their development level. They role-play, they try to understand how experiences are impacting themselves and those around them. Developing emotional intelligence at of early age enables kids to stand up for themselves and the things they care about. This is why the Scandinavian schooling systems put so much pressure on supporting emotional development, as well as academics.
No wonder Greta Thunberg was able to rise to importance in her motherland of Sweden. Average parents and teachers in another country would probably tell her to stop talking nonsense and go do the homework.
Voices of kids are very often ignored and dismissed. Even Greta was often labeled by many politicians as ‘too emotional’ or ‘a hysterical teenager’ (not to mention other, far more disrespectful language used). There are topics kids care about and the last thing they need from adults is to be disregarded and told ‘just to finish their lunch’. What kind of humans are we bringing up to lead the world if this is our solution to any concerns they raise?
It starts with giving kids small choices and respecting them. I was lucky to have my daughter in an amazing nursery in Dubai that was very supportive of kids demonstrating their individuality. When my daughter wanted to come for days wearing Darth Vader’s costume to the nursery, they did not insist to force her into the formal uniform.
A good friend of mine struggled a bit in the initial school interviews, as many schools require boys to keep their hair short. But his 4-year-old likes his hair long. Who does it harm? Why would it bother anyone? Having the right to decide about your own body is a basic human right. This is where it starts – when we respect children’s decisions in small aspects and encourage them to reflect on bigger topics.
And kids care about so many things. Recently I was very proud of my 7-year-old niece Mary who wrote a protest letter against the trees being slaughtered in her neighborhood. An aggressive investor decided to take down a nature protection zone without a permit – green lungs in the middle of the urban neighborhood and the home for many birds, some of them very rare species. When the family saw it happening, all of them were very upset and the moment the trees started falling, Mary could not stop crying.
But then she heard parents talking to neighbors about the formal protest they will be taking against this procedure to the town hall and she wrote a letter of her own, describing why this issue is important, how much she is against it and why authorities should intervene. I could not be more touched by the pure passion of her words and the effort she made to contribute to the cause she cared about.
It is similar to many letters we often receive in LEGO Group, with kids describing things they care about and asking to have them included in our sets. Sometimes it is about more variety of skin colors, to reflect bigger diversity. Sometimes it is about more Minifigures on wheelchair, so that their brother would see himself in a LEGO-version. Many people would just smile ‘ahhh, cute’ and move on. That is not enough. If we see a child pointing out an issue, we should rather analyze whether we are not facing the ’emperor is naked’ moment, where all of us, adults were blind and we are getting our eyes opened. (Coincidentally, or not, ‘Emperor’s New Robes’ is a story written by a Dane, Hans Christian Andersen). And I could not be more proud of the many changes LEGO Group has done till now based on kids’ feedback.
Not only parents should listen and act to what kids are saying, but the brands and companies should also do that too. It is time we stop seeing kids as consumers and take advantage of their pester power by just putting a teddy bear on the packaging of a fabric softener to make it more attractive and get them to impact mum’s choice in the shop.
Reflective and empathic kids of today will grow up into more responsible adults tomorrow and will hold us all accountable for the world we created for them.