There are some stories that do not age well. The Peter Pan story is such a case. I bet most people who’d put on even the Disney version of it on a Saturday afternoon, thinking it’s a great idea for family entertainment, would end up in a disbelief on how one can pack so many racist and misogynistic concepts into one cartoon. Peter lives in the world where all girls admire him, serve him or compete for his attention. He runs a gang of careless boys who engage in rivalry with either pirates or the ‘Indian’ tribe (‘What makes the Red Man Red?’ is probably the most racist song Disney has ever produced). One Saturday afternoon the myth of Peter Pan has fallen from the sky like Ikarus for me as well. But with everything that is wrong with this story, I would like to focus today on the secondary characters… the Lost Boys.
In the modern culture ‘Peter Pan’ became a synonym of a man who does not want to grow up and prefers to lead a careless, idle life. But if Peter is the selfish, egotistic leader, with very limited empathy and little interest in others, who are the Lost Boys that follow him?
There is one conversation I am heaving on repeat with many people, mostly with the parents that are blessed with ‘one of each’ – a boy and a girl. Many of them would have a really clear idea how they want to raise the girl. ‘I want her confident, empowered’, ‘I want her to know that these days girls can do anything they want’. And I see those small girls rocking it, with all the encouragement and support they are getting.
‘What about the brother of your super girl? How do you intend to raise him?’
‘Well, you know, he’s a boy, he’ll be just fine.’
And that’s how the tale of the Lost Boys begins…
A young boy is still told to be ‘strong’ and ‘confident’. The role models present to him have not changed much. They are still bold, brave and successful. He still hears that boys don’t cry, that they hide their emotions. When he gets into a fight, his parents just sigh ‘boys will be boys’… aggression and competition are taken as fairly normal for the ‘boys world’. And if he does not comfort by it? If he is nice and compliant. If he’s sensitive and emotionally intelligent. If he likes house play and does not enjoy competition?
If a girl who is outdoorsy, outgoing, sporty and competitive is referred to as a ‘tomboy’ what is the equivalent term for a boy, who does not live by gender stereotypes?
Sissy? Pushover? Mamma’s boy? Crybaby?
Now the boys are growing up, they are teenagers. They learnt to hide their emotions, behind different poses. Some of them already given up on showing their real self, they are withdrawn. The world of video games already seems better than the reality they live in. On the other hand, the group of the bold and brave boys have to face competition from an unexpected adversary. The bold and brave girls who were told they can be whatever they want. They are driven, they are talented and they are hungry to reach for what their mums could not.
Do you know that in most of North America, Europe and East Asian countries more women graduate with university degree than men? They are also the majority when it comes to graduating with honors. When you are in your 40s or even in late 30s you may yet not notice that around you, but look at the recruitment pool of the 20-year-olds. The girls are coming and they are coming big.
So where are the Lost Boys? In the Neverland?
There are now multiple studies surfacing analyzing the situation and the conclusions are quite worrying: on one hand we are seeing a growing number of men withdrawing from society and on the other – a growing number of men acting out:
‘Boys act out more than girls and face harsher discipline, especially in single-parent homes, where boys are 13 percentage points more likely than girls to have been spanked in the past week. Overall, 1 in 4 boys experience at least one school suspension in the eighth grade, compared to 1 in 10 girls. School suspension is predictive of college attendance and college completion, and boys, normalized for behavior, are twice as likely to be suspended.’
(A Few(er) Good Men | No Mercy / No Malice (profgalloway.com))
So the Lost Boys are getting frustrated. The studies show that those frustrated boys easily turn into angry men, turning their minds to radical, right wing movements, or ‘conservative values’ trying to turn the wheels of the history around and go back to the times, when expectations from men were more squaring with opportunities they were getting.
The women’s social status will continue to raise over time. They will continue to graduate from good schools and getting better jobs. Yet, culturally it is still expected for men in the relationship to earn higher salary.
What is the social status of the home stay dads? What’s the perception of the male employee who is asking for sick live to care for their child? How do we see the men who choose to take parental leave, as their partner comes back to work, since she is the main bread winner in the house? How many divorces end with parents receiving the same level of rights over children?
We are in a great moment with women reaching for equal rights and finally, though slowly, getting there (in different parts of the world in different pace…) but in order for this equation to square, we need also a new definition of masculinity. We need to provide the upbringing for the boys, where they would feel comfortable with who they are and explore different, alternative paths for their lives.
If we don’t, we are at risk of boys flying out to the Neverland, fighting imaginary pirate enemies or following ghosts of Peter Pans of the world into idleness.